finally asking why

in january of 2013, my mom was diagnosed with non-hodgkin lymphoma. it has been a little less than 15 months since the ending of her chemo treatment. she went in for her routine 3 month checkup and told the doctors about an enlarged lymph node she noticed on her neck. the doctors didn't seem too concerned, but are taking the necessary precautions because there is the possibility of the cancer coming back.

when my parents told me that my mom was diagnosed back in 2013, i was so crushed. i mean, you can all imagine (or know) what it would be like to be told that your mom, sister, dad, brother, etc. has cancer. it's really soul-shattering. you feel like you've just entered into a slow motion sequence with emptiness all around you. i don't think i'll ever really understand how my mom was the strongest one out of all of us during that time and even now. she's always been the glue and continued being the glue even then. she leaned on God more than anyone i've known in a situation as scary as that. it was incredible, and still is, to see.

i think it was easier for me to handle all of this since i was two hours away at college. i was distant from it. i wasn't there to see my mom tired from chemo treatment and i wasn't there to experience the day-to-day life she was going through. i think that was a good thing and a bad thing. it was a good thing because i don't know how strong i would've been if i was there. i don't think i would have been much of a help to the family. it was a bad thing because i feel like i really missed out on a lot. i feel like it wasn't as scary for me because i wasn't there and i'm not sure i like that. i maybe take certain things for granted when i know i shouldn't because of that situation. it makes me feel bad. since the issue wasn't in my face every day, i sometimes ignored it. maybe that was me coping, but i'm ashamed to say that that's just how it was for me. and yes, i was going through a lot at the time to keep me distracted. i was at a tough bible college and rehearsing as the lead in Singin' in the Rain. i did have distractions and ways to forget. i don't know. this is still something i'm trying to sort out.

so now this time is different. i feel a lot more emotionally tied to the situation. what if this enlarged lymph node is the cancer again? i've cried about it. who wouldn't? probably my mom because she's insanely optimistic, but she needs to be. i never really asked why my mom got cancer in the first place. it happens. evil exists and good people run into tough things because of it. it happens. i understood that and i still do. but why in the world does this have to happen again? didn't we just make it through? didn't this just get buried in the ground? why again? and why am i still stuck at school where i can't be at home with my family? so much about this isn't fair. and yes, maybe it's nothing and the cancer hasn't relapsed. that would be a huge blessing. but what if? it's just really hard for me to think about.

i'm here at school. three hours away with 22 hours, struggling to find a job, dealing with the stress of a new major, feeling like i don't have many friends around me, still in a long-distance relationship, and not able to be at home when my mom may have cancer again. the first time was bad enough, but now? i feel so weighed down and i can't even do anything about it. i have to stay at school, i have to complete and pass my 22 hours, i have to continue searching for a job, i have to figure out my new major, i have to continue on even if i feel alone in the social world, and i have to continue the extra efforts to keep working on my long-distance relationship. i know i sound selfish because it seems like i'm saying that my mom having cancer is just another stress to add, but it's not like that. it's the fact that i have all of this life to keep working on that i can't just leave behind so i can be with my family. it's hard.

i know God has this in the bag. my faith is just a little weak in this moment. i'm very tired and i'm frustrated with a lot of things. i want my family to be healthy and clear of any risks. and when i know i can't control that...it makes me sad.

i understand this isn't the most uplifting post i've ever written, but who in this world has a good day every day? i need to let this stuff out too. i'll be fine, but please pray for my family. pray for my mom's test results and pray that God's will be done. sometimes i hate saying that because what if His will involves relapse cancer? but it is what it is. i may not be at a very good place right now, but i will be. i need time to rest, pray, and spend time with God. and my family.


jrw